For the wife who is hurt


Re-posted from http://pornographyaddictionblog.com/2012/04/05/for-the-wife-who-is-hurt/

This post is for the women who are enduring a husband or son or daughter and any other loved one who is into pornography or a sexual trap.
The biggest commandment in the Bible is to love God with all your mind heart and soul.  And the second is just like it:  And that is to love your neighbor as yourself.
So women, you get to love your husband or any one else when you discover that they are into pornography.  Love them yes.  Here is how you do it:

Have you ever had a fantasy in your mind that you are with a man that you find attractive?  Ever?  Be honest.  This man can be somebody at work or on TV or movies.  It does not matter where.  Do you fantasize romance with other men?  Have you ever?  May be another married man?  Have you fantasized this in the secret of your mind?
May be some co-worker?  Or the mail man?  Or someone at church who you think is not into pornography and in your subconscious mind you may think he is perfect?  Or better than your husband?
Do you have these fantasies?  Have you ever had them.  If you have or have had these fantasies, this is called pornography.  Jesus said get the beam out of your own eye first so you can help get the mote out of your brother’s eye.
No you say?  Praise God you have not been and do not have to battle this evil.  Now then . . . . . have you ever had any other type of addiction such as spending more than you make?  How about overeating?  Do you do that?  How about raising your voice and getting angry?
Look, all that I am saying is that if you want to really help your husband, take a good look at yourself first.  Yes he has hurt you.  Yes it hurts that he is looking a porn.  Yes, yes, yes..
But it is in these moments of hurt that you can make a decision.  A decision to be obedient to the biggest commandment to love your neighbor as yourself or not.
Your natural tendency may be to condemn, criticize, accuse, and blame your husband.  Now as I am writing this I can tell you that I love you even though I don’t know you.  So being obedient to the Word of God to love you as myself, I will tell you the following:  Are you ready?
If you blame, condemn, criticize and accuse your husband because of his pornography addiction, he is more likely to look at it and much more difficult for him to be set free.  This is the result of you bombarding him with your hurt.  Is this what you want?  Yes show him you are hurt but choose to love him while you are hurt.
Or do you not want a loving marriage?  You can have a loving marriage free of addictions if you choose to really love him in the midst of your hurt.
Forgive him.  Imitate God.  Jesus said that if don’t forgive, God won’t forgive you either.  Is this what you want?  Each of us blow it at times.
Your husband is more likely to come out of the addiction and be set free forever if you choose to really forgive him and love him.  Fight this evil together.  Get on his side.  Say something like “honey, what can I do to help you battle this?”  Be with him.
So……do you struggle with any sort of addiction?  Even if it is minor?  Be honest with yourself.  Now……get rid of it.  Get rid of overspending.  Stop overeating.  Stop raising your voice to your children.  Stop raising your voice to everyone.  Stop getting angry.  Stop having those negative thoughts.
Can you do this?  I just gave you some examples of things some people struggle with.  You know what you struggle with.  Can you just stop it?  Try it.  From now on be so loving even when others don’t do what you expect.  Don get mad or raise your voice.
If you think you can stop it, do it.  If you can’t quickly overcome this or any other thing that you struggle with, then you will understand your husband.

Jesus in The Bible says “love your neighbor as yourself”.  The ten commandments and any other law is in this commandment which first says to love God with all your mind heart and soul.
Love your neighbor as yourself.  Notice very carefully that Jesus did not qualify this statement.  He did not say love your neighbor as yourself only if they are not into pornography.
Or love them only if they don’t have a bad habit or addiction.  Jesus did not say love them only if they repent and once they repent then you can love them.  No, Jesus did not say that.  He said that the whole law, in other words, everything that the Bible is about is to love God and love one another.
God loves you so much that he sent Jesus to die on the Cross and give you everything.  He did not hold back anything.  He has given us peace, salvation, freedom, provision, healing and more.

Are you going to choose to imitate God or not?  If you choose to take a good look at anything you are struggling with, please get rid of that sin.  Then you will understand your husband.  Once you go through the process and find it very difficult to escape, then you will understand your husband.
You quit smoking.  You quit drinking.  Quit your bad habits and experience the struggle.  This way you are putting yourself in his shoes.
In my personal experience I will tell you that before God set me free from porn, I could not stand people who did things to hurt themselves.  Such as smoke, drugs, alcohol and so on.  But I was not seeing that I had a beam in my eye with pornography.
It was easy for me to point the finger and say something like “that idiot is smoking outside this building and I get to smell the smoke and smoking can kill him.  What an idiot”.
You see, I was not seeing the beam in my own eye but it was easy to see a mote in someone else.  I resented people who smoked or had other addictions.
However, it wasn’t until I had really tried to get out of porn addiction and found that I couldn’t, that I started having compassion for others with addiction.
I remember struggling to get our of porn and begging God to set me free but I was not free.  I begged, I cried, I did not want it.  “God, please take this away from me please” I would beg.  And I was not set free then.
Days went by and I was not set free.  Weeks went by and I was not set free.  Months went by and I was not set free.  “God why are you not removing this from me?  Why?  You want me to live with this for the rest of my life don’t you?”  I would think there was no way out of an addiction.

I had tried and given it all I had and come to the end of myself.  It was then…………that I started looking at addicts differently.  I was not condemning them any more.  Once I came out of a building and saw this guy that was smoking who looked stressed.
Instead of condemning him in my mind, I said to myself “may be he has tried or is trying to quit smoking and he can’t stop”.  Wow, I was having compassion for that person.  I started thinking that we are all the same in this world.
We all struggle with something and just because I overcame pornography by the Grace of God, does not mean in any way that I don’t struggle with other things.  I do, but I have compassion for myself and others and these are other trials I get to overcome by the Power of God.
Choose to forgive your husband.  Yes when you are the most hurt.  Right then.  Will you choose to do it?  Will you choose to do it?  Because chances are that he will come out of porn addiction quicker if you forgive him than if you blame him and condemn him.
What outcome do you want?  If you choose to forgive him, your health will improve.  There have been studies showing that your physical body gets healed when you forgive.  So by forgiving, you are probably saying goodbye to headaches, migraines, cancer, or any other decease.  Is this what you want?

Forgiveness is very healthy for your soul and for your physical body.  Is this what you want?  Or do you want to “be right” that your husband is wrong by being addicted to pornography?
Are you going to reject your husband?  If you do, this could lead to a lot of negative outcomes that you don’t want.  Separation, divorce, your suffering, his suffering, your kids suffering, other family member’s suffering.  The suffering is from now on and for many years to come.
Is this what you want?  If you choose to love your husband despite his addiction, you are choosing to love others who have done wrong things.  In other words, you are choosing to love your neighbor as yourself.
Is this what you want?  To be compassionate to others or do you want to continue to harden your heart?  Forgive unconditionally not just your husband but anyone else who has hurt you and continues to hurt you.  Forgiveness is for you to be free and for no one else.
Forgiveness is for you to be healthier.  Not someone else.

Please understand that everything I have said in this chapter does not mean that you should tolerate porn in your house and in your husband.  Porn is evil.  It hurts others.  Oppose it and resist it IN LOVE to your husband and violently in the spirit against that evil.

 

Love your husband and forgive him.  Pray and keep on praying.  You are in a battle with him weather you want it or not.  Weather you asked for it or not, you are in a battle together.  Pray woman.  Do not tolerate evil in you house.  Be loving towards your husband like God is loving to you and has forgiven you.
Then get mad to the evil in your house.  This is a spiritual warfare.  It is not a war against your husband but a war against unseen spiritual evil.  Which by the way, has already been defeated by Jesus.
You and your husband are victorious already.  So have faith that you have already overcome.  Trust in the unseen Jesus whose Holy Spirit dwells inside of you and your husband.  You can overcome.  Be patient and expect victory.

Meditate on Jesus all the time.

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